The Problem with Friendship
“For even when we came into Macedonia, our bodies had no rest, but we were afflicted in every way – disputes without and fears within. But God, who consoles the downcast, consoled us by the arrival of Titus, and not only by his coming, but also by the consolation with which he was consoled about you, as he told us of your longing, your mourning, your zeal for me, so that I rejoiced still more.”
2 Corinthians 7:5-7 NRSV
Paul isn’t known for his subtly.
In some ways he is a wonderful model for vulnerability, often sharing his innermost feelings of affection – like in the above portion of a letter he sent to the Corinthian church.
But then he follows it up with:
“For even if I made you sorry with my letter, I do not regret it (although I did regret it, for I see that I grieved you with that letter, though only briefly). Now I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because your grief led to repentance; for you felt a godly grief, so that you were not harmed in any way by us.” (2 Corinthians 7:8-9)
I’m not sure if Paul is an “over-sharer”, the model of vulnerability and truth-telling, or someone who has a hard time balancing the difficult obligations of his God-given mission with his affection for the feelings of those whom he loves, but one thing is very clear…
Paul has a problem with friendship.
I think his problem comes from the 3rd reason I gave on the list: the balance between what God has called him to do vs. not wanting to hurt the feelings of those whom he loves. In other words, Paul wants his friends to do things his way. Paul has great affection for the churches he works with. He gushes emotionally about them and offers blessings of peace and courage. But mid-letter (or sometimes before) he brutally condemns them for not staying steadfast to the grace and ways of Jesus.
Sometimes when we are invested so heavily in someone else’s well-being, it just makes us crazy.
Sometimes when we are so invested in someone’s opinion of us, it just makes us upset.
Sometimes…the closer we get, the more difficult the balance.
2 Examples
I had a friend who started seminary 7-8 years ago, coming to SMU from out of town. They were likable and she connected with people almost instantaneously, particularly with 2 other students who became like the three amigos. They went to dinner, took hikes, and had long study sessions – but there’s the problem: they became so close through common theological inquiries, struggles with papers, and hobbies and interests.
So close…they decided to move into together.
Even couples that I’m marrying who had already lived together come to some sort of shock after 6 months of married life together – and even more a year or two in. The true habitual routines come alive and each partner is forced to recognize just how gross, disorganized, unsanitary, or loud the other person is…and now they’re stuck with them.
This friend found the same reality. Living together, there were no barriers of superficiality to keep things civil. They began to learn every little nuance of the other two people over that year, and ultimately couldn’t stay roommates.
Similarly, when I was an Associate Pastor at Stonebridge UMC over on the west side of McKinney there was a disturbing habit in which we were afraid to appoint anyone to be the Finance Chair or the Church Council chair, because every single person in that position left the church within 2 years after they’d held it – for 7 years running.
I arrived in year 2 of the trend, and in my 6th and final year there the Senior Pastor tasked me with making contact with the former leaders to ask “why?” so we could do something differently and “reverse the curse.” What I found was a problem of “closeness.” That church has a lot of debt and a lack of generosity, which made for a tense financial arrangement. Additionally, there were about 8 families that funded about 60-65% of the budget, and while most of them were very generous because it was God’s calling to be so, they also wanted to make sure their investment was well worth it.
And guess who they called? The Finance Chair. Who also received pressure from other church constituents about why we were or were not spending money on their own pet projects, and the combination of the closeness to the financial maladies and the closeness to many in the church’s lack of humility and cooperation was just too much.
I found out that the Church Council chair suffered a similar issue, in that individuals who didn’t have all the information or felt like they should be lifted up as more important for their contributions, would complain to her/him and foster a sense of negativity in the relationship.
What to Do?
I don’t know the context, but Margaret Atwood (the author of “The Handsmaid’s Tale”) is quoted all over Google, saying:
“Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened.”
As best I can tell, Margaret sees vulnerability as a bad thing – but I hope I’m wrong. Because Paul sets the example and encourages us to press through the difficulties of “knowing too much.”
Paul often writes in a rhetorical fashion, quoting bits of letters from the Corinthians to himself, and then answering in the same paragraph. In 11:7-11, Paul writes:
“Did I commit a sin by humbling myself so that you might be exalted, because I proclaimed God’s good news to you free of charge? I robbed other churches by accepting support from themin order to serve you. And when I was with you and was in need, I did not burden anyone, for my needs were supplied by the friends who came from Macedonia. So I refrained and will continue to refrain from burdening you in any way. As the truth of Christ is in me, this boast of mine will not be silenced in the regions of Achaia. And why? Because I do not love you? God knows I do!“
Paul knows too much about the Corinthians.
The Corinthians know too much about Paul.
And yet, the Corinthians reconcile with Paul and accept his teaching.
And yet, Paul continues to love the Corinthians despite their wanting to cast him aside.
All this to day, friendship takes effort. Church family takes effort. Marriage takes effort. Closeness takes effort. And not only effort, but faith, belief, and commitment. It is 100% guaranteed that the closer you get to someone or something that you will find something to be disappointed in. But is a small disappointment enough to throw away all the positive that drew you in in the first place?
It’s at that point we have to be even more vulnerable, let people have power over us and us have power over them, so that together we can do our best to humbly honor each other with sacrificial love – so long as we aren’t being abused or taken advantage of.
Will we always get our way? Absolutely not. Will we always be happy about it? No.
But is it worth it to have positive and healthy relationships?
Absolutely.
Peace,
David Lessner
PS.
For those who are interested, I thought it might be helpful to explain how 2 Corinthians works – in case you dig into it. It’s a very hard letter to read because it’s most likely fragments of different letters that Paul sent to the Corinthians all compiled together in a flow that doesn’t really always make a coherent, logical stream of conversation.
We know from 1 and 2 Corinthians that Paul references other letters, so we have to recognize that even though these letters (or compilation) of letters have been preserved in the canonized Bible as “the Word of God,” we aren’t getting the full picture of what’s happening in Corinth and therefore must have discernment as we are interpreting it.
When we are reading Paul’s letters (or that of James, Hebrews, Peter, etc), we are reading someone’s mail that is responding to a certain situation or concern. Our best usage of these letters is to discern what the situation was, how and why Paul (or others) are responding in the way they are, compare it to Jesus’ eternal truths, and discern what God is saying to our church/us today. I absolutely love that the organizers of the Bible gave us such personal testimonies as to the inner workings of the early church, so that we can recognize that real people were involved in this, with real problems, real joys, and real feelings. The letters in the New Testament may just be the most relatable portions of scripture, to me, IF we do the background work to put ourselves in the minds of the people sending and receiving them.
